School Refusal
In the last week I have come across several people who have mentioned the struggle of school refusal most mornings.
We're four weeks into term 1 and it's been straight back into a myriad of afterschool activities including an increase in school work. I'm lucky in that I have two reasonably self-sufficient teens, both of whom are able to manage their anxiety assured of the support of both their parents. But it's taken time and patience to get here. Not all households are as fortunate.
So what is school refusal? School refusal is when a child or teenager experiences extreme distress about attending school, leading to frequent absences or difficulty staying in class. Unlike occasional reluctance or truancy, school refusal is often driven by anxiety, depression, social difficulties, or underlying stressors.
The signs vary depending on the child and the underlying cause. They can include:
Frequent complaints of physical symptoms (headaches, stomach-aches) before or during school time
Anxiety, panic attacks, or emotional outbursts about going to school
Difficulty sleeping or expressing dread about the next school day
Avoiding schoolwork or social situations related to school
A pattern of increasing absences
How you as a parent can help!
It's really important to talk openly with your child and get to the root cause of the refusal. This can include academic pressure, bullying, anxiety, learning difficulties, or mental health issues. Sometimes it can be a combination of causes building on each other.
Not all children will want to talk. They may resist because they don’t know how to put their feelings into words, or they don’t want to get themselves, or they don’t want to get others into trouble. You can provide emotional support by:
Validating their feelings instead of dismissing their fears.
Offering reassurance and problem-solve together.
Creating a safe space where they can express their worries.
Working with teachers, counsellors and therapists to assess and address the underlying issues.
Re-introducing school in small manageable steps.
Establishing a consistent routine.
Teaching, and demonstrating, stress management techniques such as deep-breathing, mindfulness, and positive self-talk.
Promoting self-confidence and peer connections through extracurricular activities that support their interests.
Caring for a teen doesn’t mean neglecting your self. When you take care of your own well-being, you'll be in a better place to help your child.
Looking After YOU!
Supporting a teenager is not easy at the best of times as they begin to find their own way in life. Supporting a teenager who is refusing school can be even more stressful, emotionally draining and overwhelming. It's so easy to put all your focus on your child, it's a natural response, however it is just as important to look after your own well-being. Some ways to take of yourself while navigating the challenges around you:
Acknowledge your own feelings of frustration, guilt, worry or even resentment. These are normal. Allow yourself to feel these emotions with self-judgement. You're doing the best you can in a tough situation.
Set realistic expectations. School refusal is rarely a quick-fix. Progress takes time, and often small steps - forward and sometimes backwards as well. This is a complex issue, not a reflection of your parenting.
Make time for yourself. This can include a short walk, reading a book, listening to music. Engaging in activities that bring you joy outside of being a parent.
As with your child, ensure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising. Feeling healthy helps to regulate emotions.
Seek support for yourself. This could be talking to someone you trust - a partner, a friend, a counsellor and / or a coach. You don’t have to do this alone.
Set boundaries to separate your teens struggles from your emotional state, and avoid making their school refusal the sole focus of family lief.
Work with others where your can, be it a co-parent, family member or trusted friend.
Let go of perfection. Focus on progress. You're learning as you go, so celebrate the small wins. These might be getting to school three days in a row or staying at school for a full day.
Remind Yourself - You're Doing Your Best
Your love and effort matter more than you realise. Even if it feels like nothing is working, your support is making a difference. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes perseverance. And you don’t have to do this alone.
Give me a call and lets see how we can move forward together in giving you the support you, and your family, need.