Challenging Conversations
One of my favourite topics on which to train is that of Challenging Conversations. Whether we are with friends, family, colleagues or complete strangers we can often shirk away from broaching those subjects which make us uncomfortable.
Having conversations about change is one topic that can be particularly tough, especially when so many of us don’t actually like change. With the right approach, however, we can effectively navigate the conversation. Below are steps you can take to reduce the stress and achieve a positive outcome.
Preparation
Reason: Why are you having the conversation? Are you imparting information? Do you need someone to make a decision? Are changes to behaviour required?
Clarify your Goals: What outcome do you want from the conversation?
Anticipate Concerns: Think about how the other person / people may react and prepare appropriate responses for all possible concerns.
Gather facts: Have clear, objective information to support your points and allay any concerns others may have.
2. Create the Right Environment
Chose the right time and place. Challenging conversations should be had somewhere quiet and private without distractions and interruptions.
Ensure you have plenty of time to discuss things properly. It is better to over estimate the length of the conversation then become panicked because you are rapidly running out of time. That being said, if a conversation requires continuation, don’t be afraid to schedule another time in which to finish.
3. Start with Empathy and Openness
Everyone will feel differently when they enter the room - from uncertainty to fear to anger to resignation. By acknowledging emotions and showing understanding you create a safe space for both parties.
Instead of blaming, focus on your feelings and observations.
Use I statements - 'I know this change might be difficult ."; "I appreciate your perspective on this… "; I can see how this is upsetting for you "
4. Be Clear and Honest
State the change simply, clearly and directly.
Explain the "why" behind the change. People are more receptive to change when they understand the reasons, and it is not simply imposed upon them.
Be transparent about what is negotiable and what is not. This can help prevent awkward situations when both parties refuse to back down.
5. Encourage Dialogue
A monologue becomes a lecture and does not engage the other party or encourage them to participate in the change. By asking open questions - eg "How are you feeling about this?" or "How do you believe this will affect you" - you encourage others to share where they are at, and their percieved fears or pain points.
Listen actively. Repeat or summerise what the other party has said to show you have understood. And ask questions if you are unclear. EG "If I understand correctly, you are concerned about …. "; 'Could you please explain what you mean by ….. "
Validate concerns, even if you don’t agree with them. EG "I can see how that is concerning for you' ; "I haven't thought of it in quite that way before"
6. Offer Support and Solutions
Often fear of change can make small things appear unsurmountable. By asking questions such as "How can I help make this transition easier for you?" you encourage the other party to discuss what they need and make them feel heard.
Provide resources or options where required. For some, being able to take away information to read helps them to reach a decision, and feel less vulnerable.
Collaborate on solutions instead of imposing change. People are more likely to accept things when they feel part of the solution.
7. Stay Calm and Professional
It is really important to manage your own emotions in order to be able to manage others. If emotions run high, pause and take a deep breath to recenter yourself. By staying calm you can help reduce any overwrought emotions in the other party.
Acknowledge the motions, but stick to the facts rather than make assumptions.
If needed, take a break and return to the conversation later. The length of break will depend on how the conversation is going - or not going. Asking the other party can give you an indication of how long is needed. EG "Would you like a short break while I get you some water?"; "I can see that this is becoming increasingly difficult for you right now. Why don’t we meet again in the morning, and see how we can resolve this?"
8. Follow Up
Most change falls apart due to lack of follow up. After the conversation, check in and see how the other party is doing. EG "How are you going with the new structure?"; "What differences have you experienced?"
Offer continued support and address any new concerns that arise.
Talking through an upcoming challenging conversation with a trusted friend, colleague, advisor, or coach, can help you to address many of the concerns you may have around structure and content. It also helps give you another perspective which you may not have considered. And it provides an opportunity to practice your conversation. These in turn reduces stress, builds confidence and helps you stay cool, calm and collected.