Dealing with Aging Parents
Twenty-four hours. That all I can deal with. In fact, if I'm honest, twelve hours is all I can deal with when it comes to being a full-time carer for my Mum. And my Dad, who turns 80 this year, has been doing it for five years. He's a saint!!! Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents. They did an amazing job bringing up two very different daughters which included moving away from their family to the other side of the world to pursue a better life for us all. Which they achieved. But this growing old business? It's not fun. I've decided that when I hit the point of no return (and vampiric youth is not an option), I want to be with my wonderful husband on a fully catered superyacht complete with musicians, performers, artists, and all the latest medicinal drugs. A modern version of a Renaissance Court where we're in charge and money's no object.
For context. My Mum fell and hit her head a little over five years ago - Cup Eve 2019 to be exact. It took the doctors three months to diagnose Mum's condition as the result of a stroke and not a brain injury. The care she received in the hospitals was amazing and she went home relatively fit and healthy, with the expectation that regular physio, occupational and speech therapy would continue locally. Then we went into lockdown. With restrictions in place, and availability of resources reduced, the care Mum was able to receive became extremely limited. Not ideal, but Dad insisted they could cope. And they have.
Since then, however, Mum's been getting worse. And Dad's had his fair share of ailments over they past few years. Last week Dad discovered that he has an irregular heartbeat and was raced off to hospital. Usually his hospital stays involve known ailments and are planned so he can make sure Mum has the support she needs for an afternoon, or even a night or two. Not this time. The very suddenness of it came as a surprise to us all. With much juggling of family and work, my sister and I were able to respond to the call for help. But only just, thanks to the patience and support of our partners.
Until this week, I don’t think I've ever appreciated just how hard elder care truly is. I don’t know if it's because I'm dealing with my folks so it's harder to build a professional wall, or it's because patience has never been a strong point. Whatever the reason, the incident has highlighted the importance of putting plans in place - plans which keep them in their own house yet provide the different levels of care required for each of them as well as those which deal with the possibility of permanent residential care - no matter how difficult the conversation or anticipated resistance.
With that in mind I set out to do some research on what steps to take which will help navigate the conversation with patience and respect. This is what I discovered.
Choose the right time and setting. Preferably when it's calm and stress-free not during a crises. A comfortable, familiar environment and natural lead in to the topic will also help reduce any tension or guarded reactions.
Be open and respectful. Understand their perspective, acknowledging their fears, their resistance and validating their concerns. Ask about their thoughts and wishes for the future. Most people want to stay in their own homes for as long as possible, so the conversation needs to take this into consideration.
Understand their needs - health, daily routines, regular appointments. This will allow you to determine what level of support is required at home, and if additional support such as occasional respite care would be useful - particularly in emergency situations.
Work with them to organise appropriate external assessments as well as local support and services. Some of these can include regular house-cleaning, personal grooming, physical therapy, or in-house nursing.
Introduce changes slowly. Big changes can be overwhelming so starting with simple tools if resistant to technology, or in-home care is resistant too assisted living.
Provide options whenever possible. This prevents feelings of being forced and gives a sense of control.
Utilise outside help when needed. Sometime advice is better received from doctors, social workers or trusted family friends rather than from you as their, albeit grown-up, child.
Be patient and pick your battles. Not every change has to happen immediately so make sure to prioritise the most important ones relating to health and safety. Also be willing to need to take several different approaches as you work together.
Plan for long and short term futures, and the different options which may be required over time. Understanding what is available in the local community, and at a government level, can help to prioritise plans particularly if / when assessments, in-home assistance, or respite care is needed as these often have waiting lists.
Lead by example. This may be going for a walk, attending an appointment or social gathering, or making and eating a meal together.
Dealing with aging parents is emotional and can be exhausting. Make sure you also have the necessary support in place to help you navigate whatever challenges may arise. A coach, counsellor, GP all provide different levels of support and can work together to move forward with you.